The Nobel Prize-winning novelist William Faulkner once wrote, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”
This quote rings true for many of us. Our habits and narratives are often replayed in different relationships and across different eras of our lives.
Maybe we experience recurring destructive behavioral patterns or coping mechanisms that once supported us but no longer serve a purpose. Maybe we notice that we always seem to end up in similar situations or relationships.
Emotional agility allows us to move away from patterns that no longer serve us and toward new growth. It asks us to question why we’re holding onto certain old habits and whether we can make space for new behaviors.
Consider a behavior or story you’d like to let go of.
Say you often respond harshly when your spouse or partner asks you to wash the dishes. Ask yourself:
- Why do you find this specific request so irritating?
- Are you responding to something that’s actually happening in the present, or are you responding based on a pattern from the past?
- How could you respond in a values-based way?
Perhaps you were in a previous relationship in which the house chores felt out of balance, with you bearing the brunt of the work. As I discuss in Emotional Agility, we all enter the present marked by our past experiences, traumas, and stories. Looking at the world through the lens of our personal past can prevent us from seeing the situation accurately.
Pay attention to the patterns of behavior that you repeat without thinking about them; they could be signs that you’re not reacting to what’s happening now, but to the situations that have shaped you in the past.
Your future is not limited by your past relationships and patterns. You own your story. It doesn’t own you, and you can choose to rewrite it whenever you want.
Choose to be curious and open-hearted, not rigidly attached to the way you’ve always done things. When something no longer feels right, honor that emotional response and learn how to ask why.
Susan David
Susan David, Ph.D. is one of the world’s leading management thinkers and an award-winning Harvard Medical School psychologist. Her TED Talk on the topic of emotional agility has been seen by more than 10 million people. She is a frequent contributor to the New York Times, Washington Post, and Wall Street Journal and often appears on national radio and television. Learn more.
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