Why Shame Won’t Help You Change Your Habits

Many of us want to change our habits. Yet few are able to parlay that desire into tangible transformation. Maybe that’s where you are: knowing there’s a behavior in your life that you’d like to shift but struggling to understand why your attempts at habit change never seem to stick.

Here are three questions to help you move closer to the future you want.

1. Is this goal driven by shame? Goals that are driven by shame (which I often call “have-to goals,” rather than “want-to goals”) rarely lead to sustainable changes in habits.
2.  Where is my motivation coming from? Is your spouse or friend pressuring you to make a lifestyle change? Or is the desire for transformation coming from inside yourself? Taking good advice is an important life skill, but successful change usually emerges from internal aspiration, not external pressure.
3. Is this habit change connected to one of my values? It’s a lot more difficult to enact changes in our lives if they are connected to the values of others rather than our own. Consider which (if any) of your values are related to the habit in question.

By better understanding why you want to make a change, you’ll be able to figure out whether it’s a “have-to” goal (something others are pressuring you to do) or a “want-to” goal (something you want for yourself). 

A “have-to” can become a “want-to” if you connect it to your values. Perhaps you’re struggling to spend more time outside but you realize that you do value strengthening your relationship with your nephew, who recently sent you his baseball game schedule for the season. Suddenly the habit of spending time outdoors becomes more enticing because it contains an opportunity to connect to one of your values (quality family time). (If you want to learn more about “want-to” goals and “have-to” goals, check out Chapter 7 in ​Emotional Agility​.)

Final tip: Pop psychology books often tout the power of visualization, suggesting that if you imagine success, you’re more likely to attain it. But research suggests that indulging in too much positive visualization can actually make you less likely to succeed. It’s almost like your brain gets tricked into believing you’ve already achieved the goal. 

Instead, strive for balance. Think about the future you want for yourself and the process of getting there. Imagine how great you’ll feel when you achieve your goal and consider any roadblocks that may arise. Don’t settle for daydreaming. Make a plan and start working on the first step.