Grief Is Not Linear

No one makes it through life without experiencing grief. It is the heart-wrenching flipside of that which makes life worth living—love. When we open our hearts to love, it adds some technicolor brilliance to the black-and-white of the everyday.

​​But living with an open heart also means loss.​

​Whether through the death of a loved one, the end of a once-treasured relationship, or another, less tangible form of loss, grief has a way of finding us. And it doesn’t conform to a clear linear path. It’s a raw and difficult struggle—one that can be utterly unpredictable.

We all process profound loss in different ways, and sometimes judgment creeps in. 

“I need to move from anger to bargaining by year’s end!”

“I should be over this already.”

But the idea that we should be meeting external benchmarks during our grieving process is both unrealistic and counterproductive.

When I lost my father as a teenager, a particularly kind teacher provided me with a notebook to write about my experiences. It was a tremendous gift. One of the best things we can do in times of loss is to consider our emotions and label them precisely.

“Grief,” like “stress,” can become a catch-all word for a whole range of feelings. You might feel regret over a harsh comment that you will never have the chance to apologize for. You might feel abandoned, left to navigate the world without someone who was once your north star. There might even be a sense of relief that the ordeal has finally ended, and then guilt as a response to that relief, especially if the loss occurs after a long illness.

Keep reminding yourself that there’s no right way to grieve. Let yourself feel how you feel. Nurture yourself by prioritizing exercise and the right amount of sleep, and accept whatever social support is available to you. Show yourself compassion. 

Whether you’re currently grieving a recent loss or carrying a loss from long ago, comfort can always be found in community. None of us should through our grief alone or in silence. So let’s talk about it together.

I take a deep dive into grief in my conversation with Rob Bell, including personal reflections on the loss of my father. If you’re currently grieving, perhaps it can be of some help or comfort.